To Die For!
New Picture taken Thanksgiving 2005 at Dinosaur State Park.
I was in my room pouting-suffering tremendously from PPMS (Poor, Pitiful Me Syndrome)-when my thoughts automatically turned into a conversation with God: "Lord, I never get to do anything I want. I mean, thank You for these children, Lord, and for entrusting them to me. I know they are only on loan from You, but..."
That's when I was going to start complaining about never getting to sleep all night or never getting to do what I wanted to do. I had a long list in my head that I wanted to "share" with the Lord.
But, before I could begin sharing my list of complaints, I was interrupted. In my spirit I heard the phrase, "to die for." I guess that would be called praying in the Spirit because I was only focused on complaining-not on dying.
I began to ponder the phrase over and over. To die for...to die for...My mind raced as I tried to figure out its meaning. I thought about a commercial I had seen about some product and a teenage girl who said it was "to die for." I couldn't even remember the name of the product, but I did remember thinking "to die for" was a ridiculous term to use. It seemed to cheapen what the Lord did for us on the cross.
As I sought the Lord and asked Him what He was trying to tell me, my eyes welled up with tears. My prayer of complaint turned into a prayer of repentance. I started realizing that most of the problems I have in my home are because of my own selfishness.
I decided right then and there that if the phrase "to die for" came into my head, I was to drop whatever I was doing and tend to the need at hand. That meant I could not ask someone else to do the job-I was to do it myself.
I began living my life as usual. A few nights later I was reaching a state of hysteria as I was trying to get dinner on the table. Steve was busy. Ashley was reading. Christi was entertaining the smaller children in the basement, and Erica was screaming. I knew she just wanted to be held by someone.
I yelled, "Ashley, come hold Erica!"
Then I heard ... "to die for."
"What does that mean now, Lord? Am I supposed to cease cooking dinner right when it is almost done? Am I supposed to let Erica cry? Am I supposed to let Ashley continue reading?"
A calmness swept over me in spite of the circumstances. Usually a screaming baby at dinnertime frazzles my nerves. But I was calm.
What is this? I thought. I picked up Erica, not out of frustration, but with an overwhelming sense of love for her.
"I can meet your need, Erica. I can hold you, love you, kiss you, and dinner is almost done."
We danced through the kitchen together as I checked pans for progress. I turned off the oven and set the table (not my job). I skipped the tablecloth-it was just too hard to toss it on the table with Erica sitting precariously on my hip. She wasn't able to hold on by herself, so I had to keep a bit of a grip on her.
In a couple of minutes, I was able to call everyone for dinner in a calm voice. For a fleeting moment my mind went to the familiar, "I slaved over this food, and now I'm not even going to get to eat it because Erica wants to eat." Then I heard again..."to die for."
Yes, I would die for her, I thought. I would die for everyone in this house. What's the big deal about eating food that is a little cooler?
"To die for" has changed the tone of our house. What am I willing to do for my family? Am I willing to do what it takes for my husband to trust me? Am I willing to stop what I'm doing to fix a broken toy, or find a lost "Lovey"? What about getting up really early-like before 7:30 A.M. to fix a nice, warm breakfast? (Okay, God isn't finished with me yet!)
So much of our current culture is about serving self. I always thought I was serving my family, but I had a slave mentality! I was not serving out of a sense of love but out of a sense of duty.
I am now trying to have a "to die for" mentality. "To die for" is more than doing good deeds or being extra nice. It's lowering your standards in cleanliness so your children can learn how to do jobs around the house. It's allowing a few crumbs around the edges to have a younger child "help" with the vacuuming. It's about taking a child who has been sulky all day for a nice walk with Mom. It's bringing out the Play-Doh even if company is coming in an hour (Okay, that's stretching it a bit far, but I think you get the idea).
We all tend to want things done our way, and in our time. Having an attitude of "to die for" is crucifying our own wants, our own needs, and our own desires for the greater good of all in our household.
I look forward to bedtime because that is when I finally get to have "my" time. After we worship and pray together as a family, I am off-duty. Steve takes over getting all the children tucked in while I sit-and I usually just sit-until he comes back down.
One particular night there were more things than usual that needed to be done. I was pretty tired and had been looking forward to being off-duty. Then someone called down that David didn't have sheets on his bed. They were still in the dryer. I made a bit of a growling noise in my throat as I moaned to myself, I want to sit, not put sheets on someone's bed! I was going to do it, of course, but then..."to die for."
But I'm doing it, I reasoned to myself.
Then I heard the still small voice, "But not with a 'to die for' attitude."
Immediately the Lord gave me strength to get up out of my chair to go "die for" my son who needed a good night's sleep on some clean sheets.
Five minutes later I was settled back in my chair. Eventually Steve joined me after he had finished his nightly duty of kissing all of the kids goodnight. As he walked in the room, he looked at me with a strange look. (You know how your husband stares at you sometimes like you have a big blob of mustard on your nose?)
"What?" I said, as I instinctively reached up and rubbed my nose.
"You look different," he said.
I furrowed my brow at him.
"You look...really happy!"
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. (Colossians 3:2-4)
Excerpted from I'm Going to be the Greatest Mom Ever! Even if it Kills Me! ©2003 Terri Camp Multnomah Publishers, all rights reserved.
~Before the fall
... April 2004
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